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mincing mockingbird

dumping it here and walking away lighter.

here's the thing. i recently saw a show i was called back for and REALLY wanted to do. the rejection hurt, but i will tell you that i was really proud of that audition. it was for someone i've been wanting to audition for for a long time and had been putting it off out of fear. i wanted my first audition for them to be "who's that girl" rather than my second audition being "oh. her again."

not long after, i did a workshop with this person and not only learned a LOT (both from a performance and a creator/director perspective), but they have reached out to me and told me i could call on them if i needed a resource. all at once, someone untouchable had sat down next to me and had a beer. and the relationship changed and my fear went away and i saw that i could start to do what they do.

okay. here's really the thing. so i want to do brilliant shows like this. there are certain people and companies in this town i want to work for. and i see my friends working with them, i see my "little brothers and sisters" (artists i actively gave a leg up to) surpassing me and landing jobs with my dream collaborators. it is hard not to be jealous. or feel inadequate, really.

i know that comparing myself is not the best way to be creative, but i try to always be a modest artist... and insecurity is a part of that. and i also realize that these are new goals i am yearning for, i have not had these goals forever (although it sometimes feels that way), and that the people i am working with and the work i am doing now is actually me completing old goals i forgot i had made. so it's really just a case of always wanting more. and that's okay. it's the comparison that is not. and i have to get rid of that shit. put the blinders on. realize that this is not a race and everyone's on a separate path.

because if i step back and look at it, i am doing good work and i am actively growing my skill set and my experience. my 2007 self would be pretty proud, actually.

i need to take this perspective right now. because i am about to step off into another void, another level of being an artist i would never have anticipated. i need to stop trying to find other similar artists to compare myself to and i need to stop thinking "what gives me the clout to do this? how have i earned this?" because i have earned it. if i'm doing it, i've earned it. i have to stop saying "i want to be the next so-n-so" and just start saying, "i am myself and this is what i've got."

the time has come for me to just shut the fuck up and make.

Comments

I think I was talking to that director tonight and he said some nice things about you.
this is the nicest thing i've read all day.
We can chat later.
There's that quote about not comparing your behind-the-scenes to everyone else's highlight reel. It's always more difficult to see your own accomplishments as accomplishments because you're familiar with your process and it still feels like a process to you, whereas everyone else's lives seem to happen by magic.

At least I feel that way. Everything I manage to do, I attach a "but" to it. Everything I don't do, I make it indicative of my whole life. It's a trap. And I haven't been able to outrun it. But I can try to remember that everyone has a "but". Also, everyone has a butt.

And for what it's worth, I'm proud of you.
thank you, lady. i do try to remember that yeah, i don't get to see everyone's outtakes. i just sometimes wish my highlight reel was...highlightier.
*nod* Heard that.
I look forward to seeing what you'll make.
well, i can guarantee there will be a small amount of cocaine and poop in it. because there is a small amount of cocaine and poop in everything. so says chemical analysis of dollar bills and women's purses.
just shut the fuck up and make = great policy
i'mma gonna stitch it on a pilla.